Morning with the Family

 I'm not sure who put the "retard" pill in my family's coffee today. I was in the kitchen making this weight gainer shake because I'm a skinny fuck, and, I shit you not, one drop of water fell from the lid because it just got washed in the sink. My mom started screaming that I spilled my drink all over the floor. Then my dad runs up two staircases and starts screaming and hitting me. My mom starts yelling at my dad. My sister is in the kitchen during all of this, and then she starts screaming. Everyone in my family runs from each end of the house and starts fighting each other. Meanwhile I'm in threshold of the kitchen watching all of this develop. All of a sudden, they just stop fighting and go back to what they were doing.  It was literally something out of an over-dramatized cartoon.

Basically what it looked like. 

Comedy Life

  Most of my internet time is spent on reading, watching, and writing comedy. Oh, and masturbating. Pretty much every comedian that I know who is successful, besides Dave Chappelle, comes from a broken household. I'm the complete opposite of that. My parents have been married for a happy 32 years. They have 4 children including me who all have private school educations and I LIVE IN CONNECTICUT A.K.A. the whitest place on earth. My school is full of extremely wealthy kids. They get brand new Range Rovers for their 15th birthdays and complain it wasn't the color they wanted.
     I sometimes try to focus on things that could possibly make a good sob story for me to use. Maybe like the fact my mom still drives a 2003 Jeep Liberty or that my family only has one flatscreen that's 30 inches. Or maybe that I have an xbox with no xbox live. OH! here's a good one, the fact that my family doesn't have basic cable. We have CBS, NBC, Fox, ABC, all the gay educational channels, and TBS. THE ONLY SOURCE OF FUNNY IS TBS ON MY TV, AND THE WHOLE  CHANNEL IS JUST FAILED TYLER PERRY IDEAS. Sometimes I lie down, home alone, and watch reruns of Ask This Old House. My life is fucking tragic, right?
   When I was 12 or 13, I was really set on being a comedian or a writer of it. There was actually a day that I thought it would actually be a good idea to possibly get my parents to divorce each other. I realized that was really fucking retarded, then I went and made some mozzarella sticks.

My face bro

Questions

So I was asked to do this:


1. Had sex? No
2. Bought condoms? No
3. Gotten somebody pregnant? I hope so
4. Failed a class? No
5. Kissed a boy? No
6. Kissed a girl? Yes
7. Used a little paper bag for lunch? In elementary school
8. Had a job? Yes

9. Slipped on ice? No I play hockey

10. Missed the school bus? No
11. Had sex with a girl? Isn't that the same question as #1?
12. Bullied someone on the internet? Yes, a lot
13. Cried in public? No
14. Had sex in public? Jesus christ, did I stutter bitch?
15. Played on a sports team? yes
16. Smoked weed? Yes
17. Smoked cigarettes? No
18. Smoked a cigar? Yes
19. Drank alcohol? Yes
20. Watched porn? Yes
21. Skipped class? Yes
22. Gotten arrested? Yes
23. Done meth? No
24. Been to a wedding? Yes
25. Fell in love with a best friend? Maybe for like a week
26. Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Yes
27. Watched t.v. for 5 hours straight? Yes
28. Been late for work? No
29. Been late for school? Yes
30. Kissed in the rain? Yes
31. Showered with someone else? No
32. Failed my drivers test? No
33. Cheated on a ex? No
34. Been outside my home country? Yes
35. Been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? Yes
36. Had lice? No
37. Gotten my heart broken? Yes
38. Had a credit card? No
39. Been to a professional sports game? Yes
40. Broken a bone? Yes
41. Am I BI/Gay/ Lesbian? I like vaginas does that make me a lesbian?
42. Won a trophy? Yes
43. Cut myself? No I'm not a pussy
44. Had an STD? No, but I may have gotten aids from that Grand Central toilet seat
45. Got engaged? No
46. Done ecstasy? No
47. Tried out to be on a t.v. show? Yes
48. Rode in a taxi? Yes
49. Been to prom? No
50. Played a drinking game? Yes
51. Stayed up for 24 hours or more? Yes
52. Been to a concert? Yes
53. Had a three-some? No
54. Had a crush on someone of the same sex? No, that's gay
55. Been in a car accident? Yes
56. Had braces? Yes
57. Learned another language? Yes
58. Killed an animal? No
59. Been at a yard sale? Yes
60. Been to a steakhouse? What kind of fucking questions are these?
61. Wore make up?No 
62. Talked to someone via webcam? Yes
63. Lost my virginity before I was 16? No
64. Had my wisdom teeth taken out? No
65. Kissed someone a different race than
myself? Yes
66. Snuck out of the house? Yes
67. Bought porn? Were these questions made circa 1980?
68. Had a virus on my computer? Yes
69. Had oral sex? Yes
70. Dyed my hair? No 
71. Gone skinny dipping? Yes
72. Graduated from college? No
73. Wore someone else's clothes? I think I borrowed a shirt once
74. Voted in a presidential election? No
75. Rode in an ambulance? No 
76. Rode in a helicopter? Yes
77. Caught the stove on fire? No
78. Got in a verbal fight? Yes.
79. Met someone famous? Yes
80. Been on vacation? Yes
81. Been on a boat? Yes
82. Been on an airplane? Yes. These questions are so fucking stupid, my brain is starting to shut down
83. Broken something expensive? Yes
84. Had surgery? No
85. Been in love? Yes
86. Beat a video game? Yes
87. Found something valuable on the ground? Yes
88. Made a survey? No 
89. Stalked someone on a social network? I guess
90. Prank called someone? Yes
91. Spent over $100 shopping in one day? Yes
92. Been to a library outside of school? Seriously I feel the extra chromosome growing inside me
because of how retarded these are
93. Cut my hair and hated it? Yes
94. Peed outside? Yes
95. Went fishing? Yes
96. Helped with charity? No. Fuck Africa
97. Taken a pregnancy test? Yes
98. Been rejected by a crush? Yes
99. Been suspended from school? No
100. Broken a mirror? No

Jokes

When I die, I want catnip to be planted over my grave. Then, all the stray cemetery cats will flock to my grave and rub all over it, and people will think I was some kind of cat god.

 If I had the power to have a shit ton of people raid and DDoS Fox News I would have them spam that Al Quada just the whole Israel

Am I the only one who, when swimming in the ocean, screams like a little girl "OH MY GOD IM GONNA DIE" when my foot just touches a piece of seaweed?

Have you ever noticed people who go to the baby changing station always come back with the same baby?

Whenever I hear "Twister kills 25 people in the midwest today..." on the news. I always scream "THIS GAME HAS GONE TOO FAR" at the TV

I go to my grandma's house sometimes. She has a cat, and when I see the cat watching out the window, I sit next to it and say "Look Simba. Everything that the light touches is our kingdom". Then I break down crying from the nostalgia

I really believe World War III is coming, solely because humans love trilogies.

I love this picture

Weed

 Weed is a cool thing. You smoke it in the dark, and use your $1000 camera to take pictures with the flash on. Then you upload those "artsy" photos to your tumblr with 31 followers. I personally hate people that talk about it, which in this case I hate myself right now. I preferably believe the government should not legalize marijuana because it would then be sold in shops. When it becomes a giant industry, the companies/growers will use the cheapest, most effective ways to make it. That could potentially take some of the good stuff out of it. Also, teenagers will do anything that is illegal. If weed is legalized, kids will move on to do worse drugs that could ruin their lives. Honestly, do the cops barge down your doors checking every week if you're smoking pot? No. I know what I'm saying is completely unconstitutional, but in America today, that doesn't really fucking matter. 

One thing I don't understand is the fact Obama used to be in a pothead group called the "Choom Gang" and he thanks his dealer in his yearbook page of senior page in high school... Oh also, now that marijuana is legal in Colorado, the Denver Nuggets are the most fitting name in all of sports. Right behind the New York Jets and the Chicago Fire. 

                                    

          4:19 couldn't wait to blaze it up 

                                               

Girls

  I'm starting re-evalute how I view girls. Of course, there are days where I'm just in a masturbation mood and jack off to anything. But I've come to a conclusion that latina girls are the hottest. Women from spanish speaking countries are typically hot and have HUGE FUCKING ASSES. Don't get me wrong, there can definitely be ugly ones, but those kinds are like 40 with lop-sided breasts that live in the rainforest. Latina girls are tan and have clear skin, and who the fuck wouldn't want that. I have some weird polar opposite attraction thing going on because I'm a blonde hair, blue eyed kid that probably almost never gets out in the summer. BUT SERIOUSLY imagine how erotic it is fucking a girl that's just yelling out random bullshit that you can't understand. "AY AY AY AY HOLA MIOS PAPAS FRITAS" Not sure if that's how it goes because,
1. I'm a kid with an unfinished Spanish-high school education 
2. Those are about the only words I know

This concludes my realization of the day